I’M giddy as a kipper today! And not just because the blog has had an overhaul (do you like it?!) but because finally I’m also able to bring to you the first in a very new series – Wisdom In Heels.

#WisdomInHeels is a series I’ve been meaning and wanting to launch for well over a year and in a nutshell it’s all about celebrating women’s voices and their wisdom. Because let’s face it, sadly too often in this world, our voices are ignored or silenced.

Using and finding my own voice and helping other women to find discover and share theirs, is something I’m incredibly passionate about. How many of us shy away from discussing difficult topics? Or struggle on a daily basis with various issues?

I’ll hold my hand up here and say I certainly do.

So the idea with Wisdom In Heels is not only that we celebrate the brilliance of women from all walks of life, but also that we learn from each other.

Each fortnight I’ll be sharing an interview with a ‘wise woman’ on a particular topic, which could be on anything from motherhood to careers, self esteem to relationships.

And the best bit? You can get involved to! (In fact, please do, I’d love it if you would.) Prior to each interview I’ll share the next interviewee and topic on my Facebook page and then you can have your chance to ask a question that you’d like to be answered.

Sounds good huh? I really hope you’ll love this series as much as I already do.

Welcome to Wisdom In Heels and my first interviewee – which I couldn’t be happier about! – the remarkable and incredibly warm and lovely Lisa Walker.

Today’s subject? The elusive but yet oh so important CONFIDENCE.

Grab a cuppa, get comfy and here we go…

Hi Lisa! Thanks so much for being my first ever #WisdomInHeels interviewee! It’s such a pleasure to have you. Please take a moment to tell us all a little about who you are, what you do and what you offer?

Hello! I’m Lisa Walker and I work with women, helping them to become more motivated and more confident so that they can get clarity on what it is they want from their life and business. I work with my clients on a one to one basis, through small groups or larger workshops from a lovely consulting room in South Yorkshire or via Skype.

I am also blessed with a lovely family – husband Andrew, my 14 year old son Jacob, my grown up Step Son Chris and a very spoilt but lovable 3 year old border terrier called Barney!

Today, we’re going to be talking all about confidence as it’s something that I think affects most if not all of us on a regular basis. Can you think of a time when you personally really struggled with self confidence and how you overcame it?  

My lack of confidence had been my forte for many years and was probably the main reason I started to work in personal development and as a coach.

My childhood was riddled with so many occasions where I would hide away rather than stand up for myself or stand out– from minor incidents where I remember playing bingo at the seaside on family holidays and being told off for not daring to shout ‘house’ when we’d won –  to not standing up for myself when being bullied by members of my own family.

I always wanted to fit in and was therefore quick to please, quick to concede and unbelievably meek!

Unfortunately my lack of confidence carried over into my working and adult life and although by then I had found my voice to a certain extent (always the first to step up if there was an injustice) I really struggled to stand up for myself.

I was easily looked over for promotion, never asked for more money, despite always putting myself forward for more responsibility and generally allowed myself to be walked over. Interestingly none of this was apparent to me at the time which I now know is the case for so many people.

My turning point was when I took the leap and decided to take redundancy and set up on my own four and half years ago as a HR consultant. What I hadn’t bargained for though was how low my confidence actually was. I managed to get a couple of jobs but it just wasn’t working. I was becoming unhappy and my self confidence was hitting the floor with every day.

Eventually I enrolled onto an NLP Practitioner course and absolutely loved it! My confidence began to come through and I then went on to complete my Master Practitioner qualification in NLP, Coaching and Hypnotherapy and realised that this was what I wanted my business to be – a business who’s purpose was to make a difference to the way that people (women in particular) thought of themselves. 

One thing I’ve always found with my confidence and something that I often struggle with is how my confidence levels can change from day to day. What can I do, do you think, to help me maintain a steadier level of confidence, day in, day out?

The conversations that play out in our heads on a minute by minute basis are the driving forces for our state of mind and ultimately our behaviour.

When you find yourself criticising yourself either in front of the mirror or away from it just ask yourself if what you are saying is what you would say to a 7 year old child that was stood in front of you. Chances are there is no way that you would speak to a child the way you willingly speak to and about yourself! Then ask yourself why you wouldn’t speak to a child the same way.

I’m guessing it’s because you know that such harsh words would be upsetting, hurtful, demoralising and you would be right, yet we do that to ourselves regularly and wonder why we feel rubbish afterwards!

Being kind to yourself isn’t just about taking time out for massages and buying nice things, it’s about being aware of the conversation inside your head, being mindful of the language you are using when talking to yourself and also how you ‘manage’ yourself in certain situations i.e. after a challenging day.

Be nice, be supportive and remember that you are your own cheerleader!

The conversations in our head can sometimes be a replay of conversations we’ve heard many times before, from our childhood, work colleagues, partners and even from society. These conversations can be the foundation for a belief system that means we place limits on ourselves.

Our minds are open to these messages all of the time and they can be particularly difficult when we are in uncomfortable situations, doing something new or around different people – it is then that we sabotage our own efforts with our thoughts and then our behaviour.

Changing these patterns of behaviour are key to halting the self sabotage and those not so helpful conversations we have with ourselves.

I could be wrong but I’ve always thought that women struggle more with their confidence than men generally. Any ideas why this might be and what we can all do to try and combat this?

A great question! I work predominantly with women but I do have a number of male clients and I can report that they do suffer with similar confidence issues but often they describe it in different ways and will find help for other things that might not at first appear to be about confidence but in my experience it more often than not comes back to that.

Women are often far more open to accepting that a lack of confidence is holding them back as well. Unfortunately women’s confidence or lack of it, is so often exacerbated by society’s expectations and perceived gender limitations. Also our need to juggle a multitude of plates in a variety of roles means that we often feel like a ‘Jill of all trades’ rather than an expert in any!

Being comfortable with who you are, understanding your behaviour patterns and seeking ways to change them are all methods to help with increasing confidence.

Understanding yourself is key to combating whatever self sabotage behaviour you have that’s holding you back – be honest and have a frank conversation with yourself. 

Being clear on what you want from your life can also be a great confidence booster. Getting clarity on what you want is so empowering not to mention the best way to achieving what you really want.

Sometimes we all need an instant confidence boost. A quick thing we can do to make us feel instantly better and more confident. For me, I always swear by wearing a good pair of heels and popping on some lipstick! I wonder Lisa, what’s your instant go to confidence boost when you’re feeling a little flat or lacklustre?

Another fab question, Katie!

There are a number of simple techniques that are great for a quick confidence boost – remembering a specific time when you have felt super confident in the past is a great way of reminding yourself that you do have it in you.

Just spend a few minutes with your eyes closed, visualising how you were at that point in time, take in the surroundings from that time, all of the noises you heard and then concentrate on how good it felt. Really enjoy reliving that feeling of confidence and allow it to be absorbed into your memory to be called upon at any given time.

I also know myself well enough to know that for me to feel at my most confident I need to be prepared, that might be ensuring I know what material I’m delivering for a workshop, looking and feeling good in my outfit for an important meeting or reminding myself of the good work I’ve done with clients.

There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance and I personally think a lot of woman really struggle with appearing too confident because they don’t want to be seen as the other. What are your thoughts on this?

Firstly I think that the difference between the two is often a reflection on the one that perceives it – not the one that delivers.

Often it is someone else’s issue that causes them to declare another as arrogant, maybe their own insecurity or a little jealousy.

People that lack confidence will often not like to see it in other people and rather than looking at their own behaviour will turn it against someone else instead. 

That said, if you want to act confidently do it with the same integrity that you would do anything else. Be mindful of your impact on those around you. Confidence is delivered for you in a way that makes you and those around you feel great, arrogance is delivered with only you in mind and with little interest in others.

What advice would you give to someone who feels they have little or no confidence?  

Be honest. Ask yourself what parts of your life you lack confidence the most, if it feels like there are lots of differing areas that are affected, take just one at a time.

Work out what it is that triggers those feelings. Is it being around certain people?, going to certain places?, maybe wearing certain clothes? – once you begin to understand that it is just a strategy/way of behaving you can begin to put new patterns of behaviour in place. 

Surrounding yourself with the right people can have a profound effect on your confidence. Make sure you spend time with people that will lift you up not push you down.

Be aware of what you watch on TV, be careful who it is you are listening to on social media and be aware of the negativity that even family can have on you.

Reader question – “After being a stay at home mum for the past few years, I’m just about to enter the world of employment again after a break but am really struggling with confidence. Everyone seems so much younger or more talented than me and I’m really worried that I’ve lost my professional spark. What can I do to feel happier and more confident professionally?”

Going back to work after a few years can be a daunting experience and there’s no denying that some things will have changed BUT rather than thinking only of the negatives and the things that you worry about start to concentrate on the things that you can bring to the role.

What experience do you have that others may need?

What will you gain from going back, how will it benefit you and your family?

What have you learnt in the time that you have been away – don’t underestimate the multi tasking, time and financial management required by any stay at home parent.  

Once you have that side of things in check then some of the more practical things that will help are: prepare well for any interviews you are attending, know what they are expecting from you and make sure you are comfortable with the clothes you are wearing, the route you are taking and who you are meeting.

The reason I wanted to start this series talking about confidence, is because I think so much stems from how much or how little we have of it! I’ve always noticed that when I feel confident, I can handle life’s challenges more easily or that I push myself more. And that the opposite is also true. Why does confidence play such a pivotal role in our lives and general happiness?

For me that’s easy, when we act with confidence we are being true to ourselves.

Being confident means that we are not listening to any negative self talk, we are acting in our own best interest, with integrity and without the self sabotaging behaviours that are so often present in all of us.

Reader question: “I struggle with having the confidence to value myself and the things I’m good at. I always sell myself short or give too much away. Any advice?!”

If you find yourself giving too much away in terms of business then be clear on why you do what you do and how best to help more people with what you do – for example when I first started out in business I didn’t value myself and would often work for nothing, which in turn meant that I was n’t necessarily working with the right people and more importantly I was undervaluing what I did which had a major impact on my confidence.

It wasn’t until I got absolute clarity on my purpose and who it was I wanted to work with that I became more confident in my ability to help the right client. This then led me to the realisation that I couldn’t continue to help anyone if I continued to give my services and time away for free. 

I’m a huge fan of lists and for me a simple way to work on your confidence is to remind yourself of what it is you are good at, what can you offer to your clients/customers/family.

Also, be sure to get feedback and testimonials from happy clients (even happy family members!), share these with your potential market but also make sure that you read them often.

Be open to compliments, write them down and take them in rather than batting them away.

 

One of the most frightening things I’ve ever done is stand up in front of an auditorium of people and deliver a 15 minute presentation so I wonder what advice would you give to someone who lacks the confidence to appear publicly in front of a group or to use their voice?

Firstly, the chances are that if you are speaking to a group of people you will know what you are talking about. This might sound silly but it amazes me that through fear, would be presenters often forget the simple fact that they know their stuff!

Knowing your material/content is important but also understanding why people are in the audience can help. Are they there to learn from you? Do they want to absorb your knowledge and experience? 

If it’s the actual standing in front of a group that freaks you out then consider sitting throughout the presentation – this will depend on the audience and event but if people are sat around a board table for instance there’s no reason why you can’t sit at one end and deliver ‘what you know’ to them whilst staying seated.

If it’s a larger group then I always find a couple of smiley and friendly people to engage with, ideally on either side of the room. Looking towards them will help with any initial nerves and will add to the rapport you build up.

Enjoy the experience! It might seem ridiculous but make a point of telling yourself and anyone else that will listen, how much you are looking forward to the presentation. You may not believe it but trust me its more helpful than repeatedly telling anyone and everyone that you are dreading it!

Finally, thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us Lisa! Please can you tell us a little about the pair of heels you’ve chosen to feature in this interview and why they spoke to you? 

My favourite party shoes!

I love a good party and these heels are my go-to special night out, dancing shoes. They are comfortable, a touch glamorous and make me feel that bit more confident as I walk into a room.

Want to get in touch with Lisa or find out more? Here’s all the info you need.

Facebook / Twitter / Instagram / Web

 07525 843015

lisa.walker@whiteapplethinking.co.uk

Special offers or news? 

My latest women in business Mindset Masterclass Programme is aimed at women who are looking to get out of their own way in business and life. 

Delivered as a series of morning masterclasses in small groups, they will enable attendees to get more focus and confidence whilst being in a supportive and positive environment. 

If anyone would like to discuss how I may be able to help them on a one to one basis or over Skype I have a limited number of free consultations available for this month, just get in touch and I’d be more than happy to see if I can help!