I’m lost. There, I said it.

Two words that I never really thought I’d utter to myself, let alone anyone else.

My eldest child, my daughter, started secondary school last week. It’s been a huge change, obviously for her (thankfully so far, so good!), but also – and much to my surprise – for me. Truth be told, it’s left me feeling more than a little wobbly, confused and full of questions. So many questions.

But the main question that keeps popping in my head, at all hours and numerous times a day, is this.

“Who am I now?”

It is, I’m finding, a really difficult question to answer and therefore lies my dilemma. Because the truth is, I just don’t know anymore. At night in the still darkness of the early hours, it’s a question that keeps me awake tossing and turning, as I wonder, what has happened to the young girl and woman I once was?

Where did she go?

Have I lost her completely or merely forgotten that she still exists?

I am a 43 year old woman now, who on the whole, is more than happy with life, and yet here I am. Lost in some weird kind of perimenopausal wilderness, trying to figure out this huge question and feeling like I’m on the verge of some kind of transformation, even though I have absolutely no idea what that might even look like.

Could this be my midlife crisis or am I too young to be here yet?! Forty three sounds old enough but  surely I cannot be here already? Perhaps it is all perimenopause’s fault. Pesky hormones have an awful lot to answer for, we all know that.

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s dealing with the realisation that unbelievably, in what feels like a blink of an eye, my eldest has gone from a toddler to a secondary schooler and I feel like a tiny fragment of my heart has been ripped out.

Motherhood is so enveloping and we are so entwined with our children and their milestones, could it just be the case that I simply need a little time and space to come to terms with this?

Or, finally – and this is the toughest question to ponder – do I need to look at the possibility, that the reason I now feel lost is because I may have neglected my needs and desires. Have I become so consumed by parenting two children whilst working for myself over the past decade or so, that it’s swallowed me up?

All of these questions – and more – is how I find myself back here, on my neglected blog, tapping away on a rainy day, for the first time in well, far too long.

I started this blog whilst pregnant with my daughter, nearly 12 years ago and so I cannot help but smile at the fact, that yet again, it is a turn in the motherhood road that has compelled me to sit down and write and share.

I have missed writing. And I have missed people read my writing. So even though I may feel ‘out of sorts’ currently, it sure feels good to be back here in my safe creative place.

Who knows, perhaps writing will magically unearth some answers for me as it has done in the past.

I can only hope and wait and see.