It’s officially the end. The baby days are over.

Just over a week ago I stopped breastfeeding my youngest child Leo, now 2 years and 3 months of age and I realised that that was that. There will never again be ‘boobs on demand’. Never again a newborn of my own to gaze at with the utter devotion and outpouring of love that only a new life can bring. Never again a life to grow inside me or a belly to grow more swollen by the day.

When it comes to babies, I am officially done. It’s bittersweet and yet I am at peace.

For in my heart, I finally feel that this is my finished little family. I’m happy with my brood, beyond blessed to have two healthy children and in all honesty, ready to move forward into different chapters of mothering and family life. Ready to walk away from the days of pregnancy, nursing and babies and into our future.

It’s taken a while to get here though.

Not long after my youngest child Leo was born, I soon felt a great need to try for another. That familiar all-consuming desperation to conceive for that often elusive and sometimes divisive ‘baby number 3’. Indeed for quite some time, the idea of having another child was all that I could think about.

In the middle of the night, in the darkness, as my husband and daughter slept, I would lay in bed feeding my new son and agonise over the possibility of trying for another child. And I would always, always, end up utterly torn. A clear cut, final decision looked to be impossible.

On the one hand, my heart and ovaries would scream yes, whilst my sensible head would always nod disapprovingly and pull me down a path, clearly signposted no. It felt like a never ending battle between desire and practicality and being totally frank, it was one that I was genuinely worried was never going to end.

Because you see I don’t do regrets.

I am that person who would always rather go for something than sit back on my heels and wonder what could have been. But having a baby is rather a big decision to make. And not one you can (usually) make alone.

My husband never felt the desire for another child once our second was born. In fact, as my longing to procreate reached epic heights, his hit the floor. I would half joke about us trying for baby number 3 and his eyes would widen with a mix of fear and disbelief. But just when it was looking like it was going to become a sticky subject that we might not be able to get past, my urge for baby 3 began to lessen.

And as my two children continued to grow and as we said goodbye to the baby car seat and the bedside crib, and as we celebrated Leo’s first birthday and watched him take his first steps and enter the toddler years, the baby picture became fainter and fainter.

By Leo’s second birthday at the beginning of the year, I realised that the desire for baby number three had quietly and discreetly disappeared altogether and it hasn’t come back since.

In some ways it seems wrong to say that I’m relieved that the urge to have another child has left my heart. I know how fortunate I am to have my dreams of motherhood fulfilled when others have not been so lucky. And even amidst the chaos of everyday life, there are still many occasions when I can become tearful with just the sheer joy of being a mother.

But I am relieved.

Because I know how heavy an ache for a child is, to carry around with you. I know the pain it can cause and I know that even if one tiny amount of longing for another baby had stayed with me, I would forever have wondered what if or beaten myself up for not at least trying.

So, after years of striving to get pregnant and failing. After finally becoming a mum and then believing it would never happen again. After becoming pregnant unexpectedly for the second time and bringing my son into the world to meet his sister, I can now, hand on heart, say that my family is complete.

I’ll always be one of the first in line ready for any newborn cuddle, but I’m ready to say goodbye to those exciting, miraculous and oh so precious baby days.

My ovaries may still occasionally flutter but I know that when it comes to mothering, I am more than lucky for my incredible lot. I am finally content.