I always know when I’m near one of my ‘haters’.

Sure, I may sometimes refuse to admit it to myself but my body never lies when it knows I’m possibly about to come under attack.

I immediately feel uncomfortable when I’m in the presence of someone who is out to hurt me. My throat begins to restrict a little. My voice becomes strained. My breathing fastens and my heart beats fast. Whenever I find myself under the harsh toxic gaze of another, I always find myself wincing inside.

And it is horrible.

As my body shudders in the space of a masked enemy, I then wait for the inevitable. The subtle putdowns, back handed compliments or condescending remarks. The little smirks, roll of the eyes or a look of scorn. Subtle things that we often pretend we haven’t witnessed but which always give a person and their motives away, if you look carefully enough.

And sure enough, the attack will come.

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Last week I had one of those lightbulb moments.

On the morning school run, as I walked back to the car after dropping my daughter off, it dawned on me that whilst currently you’ll often hear talk of ‘haters’ in the online world, it’s actually the ‘haters’ close to us whom we should really be worried about.

And many of us have them in our lives. Whether we like that thought or not.

Be it a friend, work colleague, school mum or relative, the sad truth is that so many of us find ourselves tolerating or having to bounce back from hateful behaviour that is directed at us on a regular basis. From someone close to us, a person we see often or worst still, from a loved one.

Being attacked by someone we love, trust or have to see on a regular basis, is a truly awful thing to have to endure. It forces us to question everything we believe to be true about human behaviour and probably, if you’re anything like me, can even take you a while to spot what is actually going on.

Because who after all wants to believe that there is someone in their lives who could be consciously attempting to upset or hurt them?

It’s unfathomable.

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And yet sadly it happens.

I can still pinpoint the exact moment it dawned on me that someone who I love, doesn’t have my best interests or indeed happiness at heart.

It was a few years ago and it was my birthday. My daughter Elsie was just a tiny babe and I was really enjoying my first ever birthday as a new mum.

Until I wasn’t.

Because someone in my life chose to ruin it. They saw my birthday joy, they didn’t like it and so they decided to tear that and me to pieces. As the truth hit me, I sat and cradled Elsie in my arms, looked down at her innocent, beautiful face and I cried. Cried because I realised that I was encountering true hateful behaviour from someone who should only want the best for me.

As the tears fell, I looked to the person who had caused the upset and saw them smirk. And in that tiny fraction of a second, I knew right there and then, that I had in my life a hater.

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I know I’m not alone in sharing that one example. Many of you reading this, will have people in your lives who make a determined effort to make you feel, small, worthless or just like utter shit.

Perhaps it’s a friend (and I use the term lightly) who always makes sarcastic remarks about how you dress. Maybe it’s a work colleague who belittles you in front of others or gossips behind your back. It could even be a relative who puts you down in front of others or demands your time, attention or money.

Last week I shared my musings about haters whom are close to us on Instagram Stories and the response I had was quite astounding. So many people – perhaps you’re even one of them – kindly contacted me to say that they too had someone in their lives who was seemingly hell bent on making them feel miserable or not good enough. Or that they’d experienced it at some point.

So what on earth can we do if we find ourselves with a hater in our midst?

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Well, I have a few tried and tested ideas.

Here are some things that have helped me when I’ve find myself experiencing hateful or toxic behaviour.

1. If you can, rid yourself of the person as quickly as possible. Granted, this isn’t always possible, but say for instance you have a friend who treats you dreadfully, well if they routinely make you feel awful, then isn’t it time to walk away? You don’t even have to do a goodbye either, just remove yourselves from their lives without explanation and quickly. Trust me, you won’t miss them either.
2. If you can’t rid yourself of them  – perhaps because they’re a relative or work colleague – do the next best thing and limit contact with them as much as possible. See them as little as you can or as much as you can possibly bear and limit any interaction with them via your phone or online too. It won’t make the problem completely go away, but it will limit their opportunities to attack and provide you with some breathing space.
3. If you can, and feel able to, call them out on their behaviour. Don’t attack them or get caught up in a slanging match, but do stand up for yourself where possible or ask them to justify themselves. Especially if you have others that are witness to it. So if someone says something mean to you for instance, tell them something like “wow, that came across as being really unkind” or “I feel by you saying that, that you’re trying to hurt my feelings?”, Often calling out nasty behaviour can work wonders. 
4. Don’t tolerate it. When you know it’s happening, when you realise what is going on, take whatever necessary steps you need to protect yourself. Nobody deserves to be treated badly by another human being. (And isn’t it often the case, that it’s usually the loveliest people who find themselves under attack?)
5. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! I cannot stress how important these are to your happiness and at keeping people who demonstrate hateful behaviour at bay. It’s only in the past few years that I’ve realised that it’s totally acceptable and necessary to put boundaries in place with people. If you don’t have boundaries, people will walk all over you so protect yourself. Plus, if you really want to see someone’s true colours or find out how they feel about you, introduce a new boundary. In my experience, people who want to control you or use you for their own gain, will hate it! (Which tells you everything you need to know.)
6. Always remember, that as awful as it is being on the receiving end of toxic behaviour, that it is never about you. And that it is always about them. Good, happy people do not go around trying to destroy others.

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Ok, final thing…often we overlook someone’s toxic behaviour because we don’t want to see or believe it. (And I get this totally, the truth as they say, can be hard to swallow.)

But sometimes we may find ourselves in a position of not really knowing for sure if someone is acting hateful to us or not. Why? Well, because toxic people can be fun, charming, complimentary and even appear incredibly loving and kind, which is what allows them to get away with their behaviour towards you for so long in the first place.

So here’s what I think about this…

If you know you know.

If you ever feel yourself squirming or shrinking under someone’s scrutiny, if you dread spending time with someone or come away from a person feeling miserable, exhausted or sad, if you find yourself becoming defensive, embarrassed or tearful in someone’s company, then you have a hater in your circle.

Your body and your instinct always knows when you’re in the presence of someone who is attempting to do you harm, so believe what you’re experiencing and do what you can to remove that person and / or nastiness from your life.

Best of luck my friend. Best of luck. x