OVERWHELMED BY MOTHERHOOD
At the moment feel like I’m forever treading water and going nowhere fast.
Do you ever have that feeling? Like you’re bobbing along on a wave and ferociously trying to move but no matter how hard you try, you don’t seem to get anywhere?
This is my life right now. My life as a mum to two, with one being an eight month old baby. At the moment I feel utterly overwhelmed by motherhood and I’ll be honest, some days are a bit of a struggle. The daily grind of motherhood is beginning to grind me down. I am shattered and my energy levels are depleted.
I love my kids with every bone in my body. I feel it’s important to say that, even if it is stating the obvious, because not for one second do I want this post to be taken in the wrong way. Elsie and Leo are wonderful, beautiful children. They haven’t done anything wrong or out of the ordinary. This post isn’t about them, it’s about me and how I’ve allowed myself to get to this point where I’m worn out. How I’ve allowed the daily demands of being a mum to overtake me and really – bearing in mind that this is my second time round at this mummy business – I should probably have known better.
Because we all know that we ‘cannot give from an empty cup’. We’ve all heard the phrase or something similar. Self care quotes and messages are forever doing the rounds these days, so why on earth is it so difficult to do anything about it when it comes to ourselves?
I’ve been where I am now before too, back when Elsie was a baby. At the moment it feels like there’s nothing or very little in the tank to give and although my life is busy and full, I also recognise that it’s my fault for not filling it up first.
Because motherhood is demanding. It demands energy, love and time in huge, exhausting amounts. Not filling my cup back up and allowing my tank to run dry, has been a whopping failure on my part because how can you give what you do not have?
Some days are easier than others. Some days can go like clockwork from start to finish and it can all feel remarkably simple. But other days feel like a continuous battle until bedtime, when finally there is some peace and quiet for a while. A little time to breathe, and if possible, relax.
Sleep deprivation is hitting me for six. Eight months of sleepless nights and broken sleep is taking it’s toll. But my tiredness isn’t just physical. It’s everything. My brain is tired. My body is tired. Damn, even my soul is tired.
Yesterday morning when I had to get out of bed at 6.30am after being woken every hour or so throughout the night, by a baby going through a major sleep regression, I cried. I’m normally a morning person but I cried yesterday, because I had to get up and start my day again. Because I had to get ready for the school run and get on with my daily routines and tasks which seem endless and just go on and on and on.
School. Baby stuff. Life. Housework. Freelance work. Appointments. Schedules.
My brain is frazzled by it all. I never really understood the phrase ‘at the end of my tether’ until I became a mum. But now I get it. It’s total overwhelm in every single way.
It’s the noise that doesn’t stop, until they’re asleep. It’s being physically touched continually. It’s the lack of personal space. The mess. The sheer amount of stuff there is to do and the million and one things you need to remember or think about.
As a self employed mum, with no childcare, I’m a woman who wants the best of both worlds and I know that this is part of the reason why I feel so exhausted by motherhood right now, because I’m trying to do it all and failing at everything.
There’s never enough time to do everything I want to do. There’s nowhere near enough sleep. There’s never more than ‘five minutes’ in the day for me.
This past week has been a wake up call. It’s time to get my ‘big girl pants on‘ and make some positive life changes.
Both for them. And for me. (I’m on it.)