TO be fair most people would argue my life has been pretty odd since the day I was born. (*winks*)
But you know what I’m talking about right?
That sense that everything in your world just isn’t going to plan. When things feel like they’re falling apart and no matter how hard you try, everything just doesn’t want to work out. Like it should or like it normally does.
You work harder but nope, things still fall apart. You try different stuff, but uh-oh, that doesn’t work either.
These ‘head-scratcher-what-the-hell-is-going-on (!)’, times suck when they happen. I’m going through one of these phases right now, have been for a while and they’re tough.
My ‘why is my life going so weird?!’ phase started a few years ago but over the past six months or so seems to have picked up speed and now be at full throttle!
Relationships with some people have broken down. Some irreversibly, others temporarily. It’s like everywhere I look, I’m seeing everyone with a fresh pair of eyes.
Whilst work wise, at the moment, I just can’t seem to catch a break.
I’m currently struggling to attract new work with clients – which is something that I’ve rarely gone through before – and on a couple of occasions recently, I’ve had my skills mocked and criticised which sure works wonders at taking the wind out of your sails a bit.
I should add at this point that not everything in my life is falling apart (thank goodness!) and that some recent developments make me more thankful than ever.
But that feeling that life is trying to teach me one hell of a lesson at the moment? Well I just can’t shake it. Because I truly think it is.
Yesterday as I scrolled through my Facebook timeline I came across this quote, shared by a friend and it made me smile because it’s exactly where I feel I am right now.
“You know great things are coming when everything seems to be going wrong. Old energy is clearing out for new energy to enter. Be patient!”
That everything seems to be ‘going wrong’ because – fingers crossed! – something greater is coming.
But it doesn’t often feel this way does it? When our lives feel out of control or when we seem to be on the receiving end of all that is unfair or unjust. It can feel the universe and everyone in it is conspiring against us.
My late teens were the unhappiest years of my life.
I was a mixed up young woman living in utter turmoil. I hated myself – not that I knew that at the time – and I longed to find happiness and as trite as it sounds, love.
I was desperate for someone to fix me, to take away the knot of pain and angst that was always wallowing in the pit of my stomach and because of this, I made mistake after mistake.
Eventually the cracks in my life turned into breaks and the Katie I was then, did indeed shatter. My life completely fall apart.
But whilst I wouldn’t wish those god damn awful few years on anyone, I still remain grateful and indebted to them and whilst I am often embarrassed and ashamed to think back to those painful years, I would still chose to go through them and live them again.
The turbulence in my life at this time and the never ending dramas I found myself in, was – without doubt – the very making of me and the beginnings of the woman that I am today.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing.
So I know what it’s like to feel your life crumbling around you. I’ve been there before. And in some ways I can now easily recognise that I am here again. (Although in a much lesser way.)
It leaves you feeling totally shaken but then I wonder…doesn’t life need to shake us to get to the heart, to get to our core?
Because when we are shaken, we are forced to adapt and change. Made to question everything about ourselves and others. We’re taken off in a different direction to a different location that often never makes sense. Until, we arrive there.
So yes, my lovely life seems to be crumbling in a few places at the moment but you know what? I am actually trying my hardest to remain patient on this one whilst doing my best to keep everything together.
A little older and a little wiser, this time around I already feel like I’m benefitting from the ‘weirdness’ and oddly, very oddly, I really do feel that I’m on the right track.
Although where I’ll end up? Well who knows…your guess is as good as mine.
Let’s just hope the sun is shining when I get there.