I’VE LOST MY INNER REBEL (AND I WANT HER BACK)

I THINK I may have lost my edge.

I realised that last week.

I looked in my wardrobe and didn’t like half the clothes that currently hang in there. I looked back over a few months work of blog posts and thought much of my work was too ‘safe’.

I looked in the mirror and couldn’t see her. No matter how hard I tried.

I couldn’t see my inner rebel.

Today, it feels like my ‘rebel’  has left my 36 year old building and all I can say is, I want her back. Because I miss her being around.

In my teens and as a young woman, my rebellious streak was renowned. I was opinionated and feisty with a tendency to live life on the edge.

Back in the day, being a little rebel, landed me in plenty of mischief and plenty more trouble. And although there were a few unpleasant years when things became quite dark and bleak, my inner rebel was always there, willing me on.

She got me through.

All the shit, all the hurt, all the pain, all the huge mistakes. She was the one who dragged me out of the gutter and forced me up onto my feet.

Yet, the rebel in me, used to be seen as a ‘bad’ thing, by my mum. And I can’t blame her.

I was the daughter who rolled in at 5am after a night out, just as the sun was coming out. The one who yearned for her own freedom. The daughter who was always determined to do things her way, even if things went horribly wrong.

The rebel. The feisty one. The reckless young woman.

But that rebellious streak within me has always been there, it wasn’t just your usual kind of teenage rebellion. I can see that now as woman in my thirties. That, the hunger to live life on my own terms, has always been there, glowing bright.

Rebellion gets a hard rap. But my Mum was wrong.

Because being a rebel isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be a force of good. Even something worth celebrating.

It is thanks to the rebel in me, that I have walked away from people who did not deserve me, ran away from mediocre jobs and dared to dream of a more fulfilling and exciting life.

Sure my inner punk has got me into trouble on occasion, but honestly? I don’t know where I would be, without my bold, feisty friend.

I have never liked ‘safe’ nor ‘easy’.

And yet somehow, of late, that’s how I feel I have been living and working. I’ve become less of the woman I want to be, indeed less of the woman I am.

How did this happen? I don’t really know.

Getting older, becoming a mother and perhaps being too conscious of what people may think, all have something to do with it I guess.

As does, my desire to be ‘nice’. And to be a better person.

KatePFINAL 13

Because you see, it’s tricky when you have an inner rebel waiting to burst out. Too much rebellion loses people and gets you in all sorts of bother. Yet too little makes you dull as dishwater.

The battle between ‘the good girl’ and ‘the rebel’ is a tough one to get right. And it’s my own personal battle that I have not yet ever managed to conquer.

The other day I came across a brilliant interview  in which the headline took my breath away. Reading these words was like receiving a cold, hard slap across my face:

“How do you be the nice girl, but also the fierce heroine?”

This line. These words. This dilemma. It is the story of my life. How can I be the nice girl, but also the fierce heroine?

How. How. HOW?

Because this is what I’m aiming for. What I’ve always been aiming for. But it’s not easy.

Recently I’ve realised there’s been too much ‘nice’ and not enough ‘fierce’. And it’s made me a duller Kate.

I miss my inner rebel. I miss her bravery and recklessness, in a world in which far too many people play it safe.

And so I’m coaxing her back.

I’m nurturing her and I’m telling her that contrary to what many people think, she’s amazing.

Women are not supposed to be rebellious. We’re not supposed to upset the apple cart. We’re not supposed to speak up, wear what we want, challenge the status quo.

Most people prefer it if we give our mouths shut. Most little girls are told off for being too ‘bossy’.

And the reason? Well it’s very simple.

Rebellious women are a force to be reckoned with. Rebellious women are unforgettable. Rebellious woman get s**t done and live life on their terms.

I ask you, who wouldn’t want to be one of those?!

So from now on, I’m aiming to be rebel with a heart. A good woman, sometimes fierce, mostly kind and hopefully, always courageous.

A little more ‘Kate Moss’ and a little less ‘Kate Middleton’.

This is the aim.

This is the dream.

The other night I spoke to my husband about feeling like I’d lost my edge, and looking puzzled he said this: “But why? I’ve always found your edge to be so attractive. It’s what makes you stand out. It’s what I love about you.

He is right. And I was wrong.

It is time to bring back the rebel. Watch this space.

————–

 

With love,

Kate

Lips

 

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13 Discussions on
“I’VE LOST MY INNER REBEL (AND I WANT HER BACK)”
  • You know what struck me as I read your article. Maybe the reason people have problems with the word ‘rebel’ is because it scares them to think that others might not want to walk the ‘usual’ path that they chose. I see myself as an individual, rather than a rebel although I’ve rarely followed the flock, but as parents, it’s easy to get conned in to towing the line because the powers that be convince us that their way of bringing up our kids is right. Forget your gut instinct, the fact that you know your child best – this is what you SHOULD be doing. Sod that. I’d rather be an individual raising two wonderful individuals. Great article.

  • So many say this of my little girl, ‘Ellenah, you’re way too bossy!’…and so many people say to me ‘She’ll be a nightmare in her teens, you’ve let her be too bossy!’… and to this I say ‘I hope so…because that is how she will learn…to stand on her own two feet, to push boundaries, to find real life, to love, to breathe, to feel free… you forget that she is my daughter but I don’t OWN this person. She will know how to speak her mind, speak up for what she believes and as long as she is kind-hearted, which she is…I’m okay with that thank you!’… And to Ellenah I say, ‘I love it that you are bossy, I love it that you are brave… I can’t wait to see what you do with the world sweetheart! I’m your biggest fan!’… So I say, bring the rebel back, why the hell not?! xxx

  • A Rebel is someone who rejects Obedience Katie.
    Elsie may say “Hey, I am up for that too!
    It can have its downsides because it deems not to consider
    others.
    Being True to yourself is one thing but people translate Rebellion
    differently and for some it will lead to Isolation.
    Advice brings responsibility but beware what you advise.

  • I reckon our perception of what ‘rebel’ represents is a problem – it has negative connotations, something destructive as you’ve alluded to in relation to your rebellious past.

    I like the term ‘positive deviant’ – it was coined during the American Civil Rights movement. Those involved had kindness and positive intentions at heart, and they weren’t afraid to be outspoken and to rock boats to achieve their aims.

    You’re awesome, Katie – I reckon you’re a positive deviant already. Hope you soon feel like you’ve got your edge back xxx

  • Reading this from a blokes perspective it does make me a little sad! Not that you are fighting back, the fact the people (mainly men) do as you say, don’t like women speaking up, don’t like them coming across as knowing what they want and where they are going!

    As the only man in the house I encourage all of my girls to be bossy, know what they want and frankly don’t take shit off anyone!

    I hope you find feisty and rebellious Kate soon!!

  • I have been thinking the last couple months about my personality now and when I was younger. I don’t know if I would have ever been consider a rebel but I was definitely a lot more fearless. I did worry about rejection as much or allow others to set limits what I could accomplish. My 2016 word is: fearless. To try to stop worrying about “blogging rules” or put limitation on myself. Enjoyed hearing your thoughts and look forward to hearing more about personal journey in the future.

  • Now then, I wouldn’t call you a rebel but I think perhaps I attach a different meaning to it? For me, it is different to being a bit naughty or wild and verges on destructive. Anyway, I digress, I do think you have edge and I know you are the life and soul. You’re funny and witty, you speak up for and encourage women-in the right way-and not in a showy off sort of way that makes us feel crap about ourselves…

    You are vivacious, brave and have a tremendous capacity to empower. I do know what you’re getting at, and I too have toned it down a notch and I will admit that I often don’t say exactly how I feel when I write, but things can get so complicated! Perhaps really I wish I was a little more rebellious (carefree!?) I don’t know.

    I just think you’re perfect and inspiring, just as you are ;-) xxx

  • It’s weird that you posted this because lately I have been feeling the same.I want to make the jump into a more suited career but life and bills tend to get in the way.As women we end up compromising more than men I feel;I seem to be anyway.So I’ve decided to go after what I want and not let what other people think of me cause problems because we only get one life at the end of the day so we may as well make it count.Great inspiring post Hun x

  • You have absolutely no idea just how much I relate to this post. The public playing-it-safe game. The mumsy clothes (ok, I realise that you didn’t actually use that term, but I’m going right ahead) which I’ve now ditched. The general beige dullness. I hit motherhood and my mid-30s, got a little overweight and was bordering on boring. I didn’t think I could be more, that I should be more, or that I deserved more. My 20-something self was idiotic at times, but she had a lot of fire and attitude. And these things do not have to be negative. Perhaps it’s a mid-30s crisis I’m going through. I certainly don’t feel like I’m in crisis. I feel like I know who I am more than I ever did – and I know who I want to be. So embrace the inner-rebel. Shed all of the negative connotations that the word ‘rebel’ may have. It doesn’t have to be negative, as I’m sure a lot of people will interpret it to be.

    AMAZING post xxx

    • Thanks so much darling. I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR. There’s so much more to say on this, but I think the key is embracing our rebel, that fire and spirit and remembering who we are. Bordering on boring?! Come on lady, we can do better than that ;-) X

  • Ha! try also being a Mormon mum and over 40! I was bimbling away ok and then found to my utter horror that my *&%$ of a husband was having sex with strangers and worse, walked out for good to carry on doing it. I am not the ‘wildling (rebel) he fell in love with in my 20’s now I ‘have’ to be nice.
    I have no idea where my edgy self went, possibly she climbed out the bedroom window and down the drainpipe when she saw the nappies, cookbooks, bibles and PVA and glitter sticks came in the front door.
    Seriously though, life has been hard and I cant help but wonder what if??? I cant even get drunk to get through it (Mormon’s don’t drink alcohol). My case is extreme, but my circumstances have left me wondering .who are you’. I guess my husbands MLC had a knock on effect.
    At least you still pout, and in heels (I am assuming lol). I am sure that with a little effort (and a wonderbra) its possible to be a post 30 rebel ;)

  • You are perfect huni, just the way you are. Rebel implies someone that doesn’t care to me. I think you are edgy and you offer so much to everyone around you. Keep doing what you are doing huni xxx

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