I KNOW nothing.

Ok, so maybe not nothing but definitely, very little.

If I was an owl, I would be rubbish, because you know they’re supposed to be wise and well, I’m far from that.

Yet.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and I will be turning the ripe young age of 36. And so, last night when I was thinking what to write about today, I thought, I know! I’ll share some stuff that I’ve learned over my 36 years.

Which was great, until I realised I already kinda covered that last year. For my birthday.

Oh, and that if I had to actually share the stuff I’d learned this year,  I would struggle for content.

Hmmm, tricky.

So instead I’ve decided I’m going to talk about the stuff that I don’t really know. The stuff I still haven’t cracked.

The messy complicated life stuff that I’m still processing and figuring out in my little pea-head. (That used to be my nickname you know.)

The stuff that throws me off balance. The stuff that disturbs my sleep and shows up in my dreams. The stuff that makes me sad and feel like utter s**t at times.

So today, I have zero answers (feel free to leg it, right about now if you wish).

But please, if you do, pop them on a (birthday) card and send them to me won’t you? Thanks folks.

Ok, here we go…

I SHOULDN’T TRY SO HARD WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE HORRID

I’m really hoping I’m not the only one to do this!

But, I often find myself trying harder with those people who are awful or unkind to me. Even when I know I deserve better. Even when I know the person is a bit of a d**k.

I don’t know why or where it comes from, but I am always compelled to make them be nicer to me! Which means I’m often ridiculously nice or bend over backwards to help or accommodate their needs.

And I hate myself for it.

I’m pretty good at walking away from idiots (check out my three strike rule and you’ll see what I mean *says proudly*), but just not ever fast enough. And not before I’ve put my life and soul into trying to make them like me!

I know I do it. I know I need to stop doing it. But somehow, sometimes, I just can’t stop.

I HAVE TO STOP ALLOWING NARCISSISTS IN MY LIFE

‘Me, myself and I’ people seem to love me. Like seriously lurve me.

Perhaps because I’m interested in people. Perhaps because I ask questions. (Once a journo, always a journo). Perhaps because I smile. Who the hell knows?

But I find them wherever I go.

Or should I say they find me. At university, at work, in the supermarket. You name it. If someone is a narcissist, they will hunt me out.

I’m getting great at spotting them now (I recognise the signs) but can I stop them finding me and somehow entering my world? Can I ‘eck as like.

But I’m working on it.

I NEED TO STOP BELIEVING WORDS OVER ACTIONS

I adore words. Like really adore them. I mean,my whole career relies on them! Working with words is all I’ve ever wanted to do.

But.

But, but, but-itty, but.

When it comes to them being said by other people, I still have a long way to go in accepting that words are not always meant. That words spoken are not always the truth. That words don’t always come from a good place.

As a word lover, I’m also a believer, which means I’ve fallen for all kinds of clap trap over the years. The insincere apologies, the un-heartfelt declarations of love, the promises to change. I’ve heard it all. (I think).

And I still often do.

It’s something I’m still working on and learning, but slowly I am beginning to accept and realise, that if you want to truly know how someone feels or thinks about you, it’s their actions that count. Not their words.

I’VE GOT TO STOP THINKING LIFE SHOULD BE PERFECT

As a human being, I’m so far from perfection it’s untrue! So why on earth I think life itself should be any different is beyond me.

I know life isn’t perfect, I know it throws us curveballs and makes us wibble wobble so hard that we fall over. I know that I am so bloomin’ lucky to have the life that I have.

But still. Still somewhere in the back of my little pea-head, is a voice which says “your life isn’t perfect so try harder!”

And even though I try and drown the devil out, it often shouts louder. So guess what I do?

Yep, I try harder! Argh!

I just. need. to. stop. I mean, really, what does perfect actually look like anyway?

…

And finally, finally, here’s one thing I have actually learned this year!

It’s just come to me, so I’m going for it. If I can’t take blog post liberties near my birthday when can I, ey?!

And here it is…

WHEN WE EMBRACE WHO WE ARE, SO DOES THE WORLD

It’s true, honest. I have a strong Northern accent. And I have hated it for years.

But this year, I learned, that this accent of mine (a cross between Lancashire and Yorkshire) is actually something which other people seem to really like about me (yes, really) and so I should learn to accept and like it more.

Bonkers huh? How the very thing we dislike most about ourselves can actually be the thing that other people like, love or warm to?

So no, I still don’t particularly like my dulcet tones. And nope, I’m never going to really love them. But I have embraced my ol’ Northern lingo and I’m making it work for me.

At 35 years of age, I have learned that…the more you embrace your flaws, the more does everyone else.

So watch this space.

Perhaps with a little bit more self acceptance, I could even take my Northern twang global this forthcoming birthday year. Who knows? *winks*

———

Thanks to everyone who’s popped by over the past year. In the words of the song….I don’t know much, but I know I love youuuuuuu oooooo oooooo oooo ooooo.

Seriously, you guys are the best readers, a gal like me could wish for. x

With love,

Kate