I’VE just blown a small fortune on this amazing pair of heels.
I can’t really afford them in all honesty. So I probably ‘shouldn’t’ have bought them.
But I did, because when I saw them, it felt like fate was calling.
I’d just recorded a vlog about celebrating four years of blogging when an email landed in in my inbox. I clicked. It opened. And then I saw the shoes!
Limited edition ‘Valentine’s Kisses’ from luxury shoe designer Sophia Webster. The most appropriate and damn right fabulous ‘Pouting In Heels’ shoes I have ever seen. (I’m sure you stylish lot, will agree.)
As soon as I saw them, I just knew I had to buy them. I felt it right in the bottom of my gut, the place where my intuition lies.
Because not only did I love, love, lurrrrve them, but the timing of that email, just as I was reaching a career milestone, felt like fate to me.
And it felt like it was time to reward myself.
To acknowledge all the sacrifices, all the hard work, all the challenges and all the sheer graft and creativity I’ve put into this blog and my career over the years.
To say to myself: “Well done, love. You’ve done a bloody good job!”
This blog of mine has been a labour of love and I’m now in the very fortunate position of being able to earn a really good living from it and reap the good fortune it often brings too.
And so, when I saw this bloody amazing pair of shoes, I thought to hell with it!
Yes, they cost a fair few pretty pennies (!). Yes, they are totally and utterly impractical. Yes, I can’t walk far in them, at all.
They are more than just an incredible pair of super high heels.
They’re a reward.
A luxurious treat in honour and recognition of all the hard work I’ve put in. And also a reminder, to keep on, keeping on, with all my work and dreams.
Every time I look at them. Every time I gaze at their beauty. Every time I pop them on my feet and strut around in them. (These are shoes for strutting in!) I am and will be reminded of what I’ve achieved and overcome, to earn them.
As a freelancer and self employed woman, no one else is going to reward me for my hard work.
I don’t have a boss to ‘pat me on the head’ and give me a bonus or extra day off. I don’t have a line manager to recommend me for promotion or a pay rise. Nor a mentor to keep me going or stay on track, when things get tough.
I just have me.
On the good days. And on the bad. When everything is going great guns. And when everything has gone totally pear shaped.
Years ago, I would never have treated myself to such a gift.
Sure I would have longed for them, lusted after them and desired them, but I would never have gone so far as to actually buy them.
Because you see, sadly, I didn’t think I was worth it.
I didn’t think I was good enough.
I didn’t think I deserved to treat myself, especially not to something so fabulous.
But over the years – particularly my freelancing ones – I’ve changed and I’ve learned to realise that actually, I was wrong.
As women, from being young girls, we’re continually told to give of ourselves to other people. That it is our role in life – and responsibility – to make others happy.
We’re told to be polite, ‘nice’ and kind. We’re told to share. We’re told to give, give, and give again, until we can give no more.
‘Making others happy’ becomes a mantra.
We’re led to believe that it is men who should reward or treat us. Our fathers, boyfriends and husbands. That to live happily ever after, we need a prince to come along, sweep us off our feet and carry us away on his white horse and to the nearest jewellery shop.
But when do you hear, as a girl, that it is up to you to treat yourself?
When do you hear, that it is up to you, to celebrate your own achievements and very being?
As a young woman, I would give away my hard earned cash to everyone!
When I worked three jobs whilst doing my A-levels, I didn’t save that money for University or a summer holiday with the girls. I spent nearly all of it on my ex-boyfriend, buying him stuff for his new house.
When I struggled to make ends meet at University, I didn’t hold on to my money and think about what I was doing with it. I spent it on friends, treating them to nights out and lending them cash (which I never got back) because they had none.
If how we spend our money, says an awful lot about us, then looking back, the message I was giving out loud and clear was: I am not worthy.
There’s nothing wrong with generosity or kindness of course. It would be a very sad world without it and to give to others is the most wonderful thing.
But if you’re waiting for someone to tell you ‘well done’. If you’re waiting for the man in your life to adorn you with trinkets so you feel appreciated. If you’re waiting until ‘one day’ to celebrate your own achievements, then you’re telling the world, that you are not worthy.
Stop thinking you’re not good enough. (Because you so bloody are.)
Stop thinking you don’t deserve nice stuff. (Because you absolutely do.)
Stop thinking one day you will be kind to yourself. (Because one day is too late.)
And treat yourself today.
Reach behind you right now and give yourself a great big pat on the back. Go and buy something extravagant and luxurious, every so often, for no other reason than you love something and you’ve earned it! Reward yourself for your efforts and recognise your achievements, even if no one else does. Especially if no one else does.
We really don’t need anyone to tell us that we deserve anything.
We just need to simply believe that we DO.